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More Creative Writing: Comments please! - Eldritch Lacemaking and other Randomness

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November 6th, 2005


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10:27 am - More Creative Writing: Comments please!
Yep, so my Creative Writing stuff is basically done. Two more pieces are complete, giving me close enough to the 3000 words needed to be suitable, and all that jazz.

However, the two new pieces have been seen only by myself, so other opinions would be greatly appreciated.

One comment on the two: when trying to come up with ideas, I found that traditional style perspectives and narratives always seemed to give up on me a bit too early. So, I decided to try and write something that was entirely unlike anything in my textbook - or for that matter, like anything I had read before.

This somehow worked. So, I now have two stylistically very unusual pieces that I am putting to the test, one of which is easily the most unique thing I have written, ever.


This seems very odd when you first look at it, but once you get into it, it realy isn't as weird as it first seems. Basically, this piece is one half of a conversation between two people. Which would be extremely nonsensical, except for the fact that it is between a police officer (detective) and someone at the station, and so is more a case of a man telling a story, prompted by the cop (who you don't hear).
And, the story is basically a guy reacting to his daughter's murder.

Piece One

“I didn’t kill my daughter, okay!”



“Oh, come on, I’ve seen all those crime shows on TV, I know how it works. You get your suspect, and you drag him into this little room with those mirror windows, and then you talk. And you try and get the idiot to fall over himself. Well, it won’t work this time, because there’s nothing I can say to you.”



“I mean it, I didn’t kill Tahlia!”



“Well, yeah. Liza went and dropped Tahlia off at my place Friday evening. It was my weekend with her and all.”



“What! You’re taking Liza’s word for that? Come on, she’s my ex-wife! We aren’t exactly on the best of terms. But I would never...how could she even say that? I can’t believe her!”



“I wasn’t home when Liza dropped Tahlia off, I’ll admit to that. But it was nothing serious, I’d just caught up in traffic. I wasn’t more than five minutes late, though, and Tahlia’s got…I mean she- she had a key to my place. I gave her a spare in case she ever wanted to just come over, you know. Just to see me…”



“I got back at about twenty past six. It was about ten minutes after the rain started, I think – anyway, it had just started raining. Why the traffic was so slow, I expect.”



“What? Oh, it was the blue Hyundai. It’s still sitting in the garage – well, unless your lot went and took it.”



“I dunno, how would I know if anyone saw me? But I was driving that car, and it I did get home not that much later.”



“Yeah, yeah. So, I got out of the car and headed for the front door. I knew that…that Tahlia was there, because the light was on in the hall. And of course Liza would never dream of running late, even if it meant leaving her twelve year old daughter alone in a house.”



“I am not implying anything about her! I’m just stating the facts. Ask anyone, Liza is always on time. No matter what else is going on. Damned annoying, really. But it isn’t…bad or anything.”



“We’re divorced, of course we don’t get on well! She’s one of the most…utterly infuriating people I have ever met. There was a reason we split up, you know. We didn’t want Tahlia to have to put up with all that fighting – it wouldn’t be good for her, you know?”



“Oh, we have – had – joint custody. Tahlia was with me every second weekend, and school holidays, and with Liza the rest of the time. It wasn’t quite what I wanted, but I really didn’t want to take it to court. There was enough problems as it was. Didn’t want to start any more.”



“Oh, right. Friday. I let myself in. Made a bit of a mess, really, and got rain all over the hall carpet. But I could hear the TV – one of those dreadful kids shows, I think – and like I said, the lights were on, so I knew Tahlia had arrived. I, I…I didn’t rush to meet her or anything. I just went and read the mail. More bills, of course. I didn’t even go to say hello. I just assumed…God, what kind of father am I?”



“Her shoes were by the door! The television was on upstairs! The bloody hallway lights were on! I thought…I thought…I thought she was there! She was always there! Every second Friday, there she was. Watching TV or playing some stupid game. Half the time I wouldn’t even see her til dinner.”



“I didn’t…didn’t think anything was unusual was going on. I couldn’t hear Tahlia, but for all I knew, she was just sitting in front of the telly. I’d only been home for ten minutes, I mean just how much could go on it that time? And the rain was pouring down, it’s not like you could hear anything much outside.”



“Right. Right. I first…first realised when I started making up dinner. Nothing special, just sausages and a few veggies. But I broke the last match when I was trying to light the hot-plate, and there wasn’t another box in the kitchen. I don’t know why I still used matches, I should have got one of those fire-lighter things ages ago…But, yeah. Matches. I went back to the store-room, to get a new box. And I noticed that…that the back door was open.”



“It was only open a little, just a crack. It wasn’t even blowing around! But I knew I’d locked it that morning, I always locked the back door. It’s not like I wanted to be robbed or anything. And I went to go have a look. I went to the door and I looked out and…and…and…”



“And I saw something. Something white. Out in the back yard, right in the corner under that stupid tree I keep meaning to cut down. And I went to go have a closer look.”



“It was Tahlia. My little girl…She just lay there. All crumpled and still. She wasn’t moving. It wasn’t right, she wasn’t moving! She’s Tahlia, she’s always moving! Dancing around the house or playing some funny little game! She can’t even sit still, she’s always fidgeting! And she was just…there. Still.”



“Her, her clothes were all messed up. They were all crumpled and torn and dirty – they had mud all over them. There might have been blood on them too, I don’t know, I didn’t look close enough. She had a white t-shirt on, and jeans, I think. And one of her shoes had come off.”



“I..I don’t want to know, okay? I don’t want to know what they did to her. I just…her face was all swollen. And her neck, there were bruises all along her neck. And the blood…she had blood all through her hair. Even in the rain and the mud, I could see it in her hair.”



“That’s what happened, I swear! That’s everything! I saw her, lying there in the mud, and I ran. I ran and grabbed the phone and called triple zero. And then I just… stood there. I stood there, in the rain, and looked at my little girl. My baby, all broken and bruised and missing her shoe. Tahlia…”



Okay, this is the piece that I was talking about when I said the most unique thing I have ever written. It is written partially as a character study, but mostly as a futuristic scientific experiment report. Yes, really.

Also, once I started actually writing this, and trying to bring all the plot together, I sort of discovered that what I thought was an original fiction actually worked astoundingly well as a fanfiction - based only on fandom concepts, not any actual characters and places, but still...

So, it is a sort-of fanfiction. I designed it so that if you aren't familiar with the fandom, it's just a rather odd sci-fi type story, but if you are... well, hopefully it has a little more sting in it.

I may end up putting this up as a genuine fanfiction, in an altered to be more fandom specific form at some other point.

Piece Two: Subject 1452

Subject Number: 1452
Gender: Male
Age: 26 years, approx.
Notes: Subject was found by police in the city centre at approx. 2230. Arrested for petty theft and harassment. Police records show subject is unemployed and homeless. Subject is malnourished and unclean, but otherwise healthy. No major injuries or illnesses are present. No known medical records. No record of subject in financial, educational or welfare systems. No family is indicated.
Conclusion: Subject is highly suitable for trial.

Recommendation: Subject 1452 to be removed from police custody and brought to the facility. Observation cell is to be prepared. Trial to begin immediately.


17032505

Subject Number: 1452
Observation: Subject awakens from sedation in observation cell. Initially disoriented, but recovers quickly. Food on tray is eaten rapidly. Signs of curiosity and interest in surrounds. Very detailed study of observation cell, but no attempts to leave beyond testing door.
Recommendation: For study purposes, dosage is not to begin for one week in order to gain control data.


He has everything he has ever wanted in his entire life – food, water, shelter, warmth, a home – and yet the main emotion that he feels is an all pervasive boredom. Yes, he has some entertainment: a screen receiving a huge variety of broadwave casts, games to play and even books to struggle through, but there is no contact with anyone at all, no sign of any life outside the shining white room he now lives in. For all he knows, there is no-one there, and the cleaning and food delivery that occurs during his sleeping periods is an entirely automated process.

Still, he is bored.



24032505

Subject Number: 1452
* Note: Trial begins. Initial dosage of 250 parts per million G-32 Paxilon Hydrochlorate, spread through ventilation.
Observation: Subject showed very little change in activity patterns to begin with. Still showing curiosity and displaying a short attention span. Possibly signs of irritation with surroundings.
Recommendation: Maintain steady dosage.


At least a week has to have passed, and yet he has no idea of where he is, what time it is, or why he is there. He is resolved, at least, to being entirely without human interaction, but the lack of any newscasts amid the all the pointless entertainment is starting to grate. He wants information, knowledge, something! But nothing comes.

In order to entertain himself, he begins start carving up the table with his steak-knife.



31032505

Subject Number: 1452
Observation: Subject’s activity patterns becoming more erratic. Minor vandalism is becoming frequent, and increasing difficulty in controlling anger is visible. Dosage does not seem at all effective.
Recommendation: Increase dosage immediately


The grey tedium of life in his quarters is starting to wear away, fading into an aching, suppressed anger. He wants out! How dare they (whoever “they” might be) try to control where he goes, what he does, and what he watches? It isn’t at all fair, and he wants to do something about it. Now.

He finds a vicious glee in watching the bowls and plates shatter as he flings them at the sterile white walls.



07042505

Subject Number: 1452
* Notes: An additional 100 parts per million of G-32 Paxilon Hydrochlorate was added to the ventilation inflow at approx. 0048.
Observation: No intial change in subject’s daily activities. Tendencies to aggression and restlessness still increasing. Vandalism of property is becoming more overt.
Recommendation: Keep dosage constant at new rate to determine if any change in effect.


There is something truly…invigorating in spending hours pounding on the walls, he feels. Even more so is the feeling he gets when he takes that damned table, and manages to reduce it to jagged splinters which litter the room and dig into his feet as he walks around. The passion of destruction is a welcome change from the mindless tedium and quiet antipathy of before.

When he finally puts his fist through the glass screen, he stares with a delighted fascination down at the deep, ragged wounds.



14042505

Subject Number: 1452
Observation: Subject is showing dangerously violent tendencies to both self and surroundings. As well as destruction of property, there are some signs of self-multilation
Recommendation: Remove any items from cell that could be used for self-harm. Monitor dosage carefully.


The screen, the crockery, the cutlery, the furniture – all have been replaced overnight with more clinical white plastic. Everything is smooth and solid and unbreakable. He howls at the unfairness, at the loss of the only pleasure he had left.

Without anything else to shatter and destroy, he claws and bites savagely, viciously, at the only thing left to damage: himself.



21042505

Subject Number: 1452
Observation: Subject appears have little regard for bodily safety. Self-mutilation and self-flagellation tendencies are definitely present, and increased dosage appears to have no effect at calming whatsoever.
Recommendation: Subject’s trial is proposed to be put under greater study. Suggest subject is placed among high priority data.


The violent red of blood appeals strongly to him after the weeks of antiseptic colourlessness. The floor, the walls, the bedding is all splattered with it. Not that it is particularly easy to see, considering the light panels are nothing more than sharp fragments of his brutally beautiful body adornments now.

He is a sea of rage and pain and snarling fire, and it is beautiful, ever so beautiful. And even as he stumbles and weakens and fades, he clings to those last strands of freedom, of feeling...



28042505

Observation:
1640: Subject confirmed deceased.
1642: Subject was removed from cell and taken to lab for autopsy.
* Notes: This is the second recorded anomalous aggressive response within the trial. More care must be taken in preparation of dosage and formulation. Autopsy results are still in processing.
Recommendation: Autopsy results to be analysed and compared to previous trials. Cell to be refurnished and sterilised. Subject file will be added to the database. Trial to begin with subject number 1453 immediately.

Wider scaled trials are to begin within one year.




So, comments, please?

(4 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:kniblet
Date:November 5th, 2005 04:45 pm (UTC)
(Link)
I thought they were both well written. Was a bit disappointed at the lack of resolution with the first. Need. More. Story.

The second was fantastic. And not just because I understood it, either. :)
[User Picture]
From:drakyndra
Date:November 6th, 2005 12:02 am (UTC)
(Link)
Well, Charlie (one of the tutors at my college) had much the same to say. Need a resolution to the first, but the second was really good (and he doesn't know the fandom, so that seems to have worked out well.

But then, "Subject 1452" is my baby. It took so damned long to do...
[User Picture]
From:annatheannoying
Date:November 6th, 2005 10:32 am (UTC)
(Link)
For the first one, I think the father seems a bit inconsistent. But I love my father, so maybe I'm just biased against this one because he doesn't seem to care about his daughter much. Although the detective could just be saying something to upset him. *shrugs*

I agree, "Subject 1452" is awesome. :)
[User Picture]
From:dibsy
Date:November 6th, 2005 11:32 am (UTC)
(Link)
That second piece was great. I liked the first one, but I particuarly liked the moment when I 'got' the second piece. But even without knowing what it was about I think that it would work well.

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